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Letting Go
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Letting Go

Anger, Human Behavior, Mindfullness, Psychology, Relationships, Self-care, Stress

Letting Go

What if we create and maintain problems in our life because it provides us with a sense of identity and comfort? For example, the way we hold onto the pain of a break up because that’s the only thing we have left of the relationship, or staying angry at someone for something he did because that’s the only means of having a semblance of control in the situation, or worrying about an unknown in the future as an attempt to have some say over how it plays out. These fixations give us an illusion of power and control and perhaps even contributes to our sense of self. Life is far from simple, and we do a very good job of making it more complicated by creating even more problems for ourselves. If we could learn to simplify our life by simplifying our thinking and thus our behavior, we would be a lot happier in the long run.

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If we work on creating an identity for ourselves that is irrelevant to external factors and issues, we would find ourselves living less in the past or worrying about the future. Focusing on how you can be the best person you can be today, this week, will give you a new and improved sense of empowerment. By letting go of expectations of shoulds, woulds, and coulds, and focusing on the right here and right now, we can live each day more fully and be open to more positive things in the future. This process starts by letting go of the things that no longer serve you.

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The power and sense of identity that we get from holding onto things is born out of perhaps feeling like you’re right and someone or something else is wrong, additionally, maybe playing the victim role feels nice because you get others’ attention, love, and support, and maybe you’re even enjoying the pity party that’s happening inside your own head, and finally, staying in an uncomfortable feeling is uncomfortable, but it’s familiar and safe, allowing you to avoid venturing into unknown territory. While all those are nice temporarily, they hold you back from reaching your ideal goal: a happier, simpler life.

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The process of letting things go starts by getting rid of your frustrations with yourself and your life. Talking and/or crying something out can be very cathartic and healing. Processing why you’re holding onto something and unable to move past it can help you gain the insight you need to then shelve it and not allow it to identify you anymore. Once you’ve figured out why you stayed in an abusive relationship you can begin the healing process and no longer be “the person who was in an abusive relationship.”

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Channeling your irritation and/or pain into a positive productive action is also helpful in getting rid of a frustration. Whether you decide to volunteer and help others, or you just take care of something personal for yourself that you’ve been putting off for awhile, it’s a good way to not let a frustrating situation hold you back, rather allowing it to drive you forward. By doing this you’re focusing your frustration on something that you can control rather than allowing it to control you.

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Express your frustration via whatever creative outlet you have. Whether you journal, paint, write music, video blog, etc., this is a visual manifestation of your feelings, a physical reminder that you’ve officially off-loaded the frustration and it no longer needs to live rent free in your head.

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Letting go of anger with yourself and others is another step in simplifying your life. Feel it fully, taking the time to understand where the anger is coming from. Rant about it in a safe place (to a friend, mentor, therapist, or via journaling or the like). Take responsibility for your part of the situation, being honest about what part your actions played. If possible, have a non confrontational conversation with the offender about your feelings. Remember that you cannot control how the other party reacts, but you do have control over how you express yourself in a mature composed way. Try to understand the other person’s perspective; we all make mistakes and appreciate others’ understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Recognize that holding onto anger hurts you more than it hurts the person you are upset at. Make a conscious choice to let things go because you are seeking happiness.

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Practice stress management to cope with, reduce, and not allow everyday stress to build up. Use deep breathing techniques to clear your head and elicit a real physiological relaxation response within your body. The endorphins released by physical exercise is another great way to make you feel good and relieve stress. Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive self-talk. Recognize that worrying is an exercise in futility; it doesn’t change the outcome, but it sure takes up a lot of headspace. If you’re having a hard time with this one, speak to someone who can help you figure out how to do this more effectively. Make lists, organize, and prioritize your tasks by breaking them down into smaller manageable pieces. Having an operable plan often makes you feel better.

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Once you are able to let go of anger, anxiety, and stress, you open yourself up to receiving more positive things in the future. You can create and maintain a self identity that emanates from a more positive internal place that is then more impervious to external factors.

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This post was written by Rivka Rochkind, LCPC

levbre2024-02-28T18:29:43-05:00September 26th, 2016|Anger, Human Behavior, Mindfullness, Psychology, Relationships, Self-care, Stress|

You Control How You Feel

It seems automatic, something happens and we feel a specific way as a result. Someone says or does something, things don’t turn out how we would like, and we get angry, feel sad, disgusted, etc. We often think, “She made me mad,” or “He really upset me.” In actuality, there is no switch that someone can trip to activate an emotion.

When a scenario occurs, it can trigger an automatic thought, but that’s a thought, not an emotion! The two often get mixed up, because the thought quickly leads to an emotion. Emotions then lead to other thoughts and even behaviors.

To exercise better control of your emotions, it helps to slow down this process. Recognize the thought for what it is, and take responsibility for it. What happened may influence what you believe, but it does not control how you feel. What is the thought that is effecting how you’re feeling? Is the thought accurate? Can it be challenged or changed?

Contemporary psychology theories talk a lot about controlling how you feel by recognizing the cyclical influence your thoughts have on your emotions and behaviors and vice versa. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) discuss identifying, challenging, and changing thoughts.

When we challenge our thoughts, this helps us to not be victimized by our own thinking. REBT recognizes that there are no absolutes. Just because something happened, this does not mean that you will automatically feel a certain way. The ABCs of REBT are as follows. An (A) activating event will trigger a (B) belief. The (C) consequences of this belief is what makes you feel whatever emotion it is that is making you uncomfortable. When you (D) dispute this belief, you arrive at (E) effective new thinking that helps you to avoid this automatic cycle of emotion.

Developing healthy alternative responses to events will help you stay away from negative and unhelpful emotions. For example, when you respond to something with rage, what do you need to do to dispute the irrational belief to cool you down to annoyance or irritation? Can guilt be turned to regret? Depression to disappointment?

Make sure your beliefs are anchored in reality. Ask yourself questions like, “Am I jumping to conclusions?” “Is there proof this is true?” Think about alternative ways to consider the situation. “If I were to be more positive about it, what might I say?” “Is there an alternative explanation?” “What might a good friend of mine say about this?” Put things into perspective. “Will I remember this next week? In a year? Five years?” “How much is this really worth it?” Use goal-directed thinking. “What is my goal? Will this way of thinking help me achieve my goal?” “Is there something I can learn from this situation to apply next time?”

If you stop and think about what you’re saying to yourself, take responsibility for your responses, before they mushroom into unwanted feelings or behaviors, you will have much more control over your moods and actions. It takes only a moment to slow down your thinking, but it can save you from hours of negative rumination.

This post was written by Rivka Rochkind, LCPC

levbre2024-02-28T18:29:54-05:00March 24th, 2016|Anger, Benefits of Therapy, Human Behavior, Psychology, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self-care, Stress|

Tis The Season to Be….Unhappy?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year….but is it? Although holidays are a time of joy, cheer and laughter for some, for others, the opposite holds true. Research indicates that 1 in 10 Americans will experience depression at one point in their life, and this number increases during the holiday season, which starts at Thanksgiving and goes through the New Year (Https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/statistics-infographic)

Research suggests that there are numerous causes that contribute to holiday blues. Below is a list of some of these causes: (Https://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/welcome/features/20081217_holiday_blues/index.html)

Time Change: When we set our clocks back in the fall, we lose daylight, so it becomes darker outside for a longer period of time. As a result, individuals report decreased energy, increased sadness, decrease in motivation to engage in interesting or pleasurable activities and changes in sleep patterns.

Increased Alcohol Use and Overeating: The holidays lend itself to a time of celebration, and often times that means an increase in alcohol consumption and overeating. Individuals who drink too much around the holidays may experience symptoms of depression due to alcohol’s depressant nature. Additionally, with all the celebrations, increased food consumption can lead to poor self-body image and self-esteem.

Decreased Sleep: With all the celebrations around the holidays, it is not uncommon for people to sleep less. Decreased sleep contributes to an individual feeling tired and lacking energy, which may lead to an increase in experiencing depressive symptoms.

Packed Scheduling/Lack of Planning: The holidays are a time for getting together and catching up with family and friends. Often times, this can create a packed schedule, and a feeling like there are not enough hours in the day. Additionally, lack of scheduling and planning can lead to last minute errands. Trying to get things done at the last moment can lead to increased stress and contribute to the holiday blues.

Lack of Exercise: With the change in weather (cold, dark, rainy) and the increased plans around the holidays, people tend to exercise less during the holidays. Exercise is beneficial in reducing and preventing the symptoms of depression. Thus, decreased exercise can worsen symptoms of depression.

Time of Reflection: The holidays are a time to reflect on successes, accomplishments and relationships with family and friends. Unfortunately, this may also mean that people reflect on what they feel they have not accomplished, failures and strained relationships or loss of a loved one. For those that feel a lack of connectedness with others, this can create a feeling of social isolation. Such feelings can increase feelings of sadness as well as decrease self-esteem.

So, how can we help rid ourselves of the holiday blues?

Practice self-care: In the midst of the holiday chaos, remember to pay attention to your own needs and self-care. Listen to your body when it is talking to you!

Spend time in the sunlight (this may mean you have to get up a bit earlier)

Limit your alcohol consumption

Develop healthy sleeping patterns

Plan Ahead. Schedule out who you want to see and when so that you are organized in your plans and not feeling too packed. Remember, you don’t have to see everyone-think about who is important to you and prioritize those people first. Additionally, planning ahead will allow for you to get holiday shopping done in a timely fashion so you are not feeling rushed right before the holiday festivities.

Focus on what you have and what is going right in your life, as opposed to what you don’t have or what you don’t think is going right in your life.

levbre2024-02-28T18:30:03-05:00December 1st, 2015|Benefits of Therapy, Exercise, Human Behavior, Psychology, Relationships, Self-care, Sleep, Stress|