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Psychology

Letting Go

What if we create and maintain problems in our life because it provides us with a sense of identity and comfort? For example, the way we hold onto the pain of a break up because that’s the only thing we have left of the relationship, or staying angry at someone for something he did because that’s the only means of having a semblance of control in the situation, or worrying about an unknown in the future as an attempt to have some say over how it plays out. These fixations give us an illusion of power and control and perhaps even contributes to our sense of self. Life is far from simple, and we do a very good job of making it more complicated by creating even more problems for ourselves. If we could learn to simplify our life by simplifying our thinking and thus our behavior, we would be a lot happier in the long run.

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If we work on creating an identity for ourselves that is irrelevant to external factors and issues, we would find ourselves living less in the past or worrying about the future. Focusing on how you can be the best person you can be today, this week, will give you a new and improved sense of empowerment. By letting go of expectations of shoulds, woulds, and coulds, and focusing on the right here and right now, we can live each day more fully and be open to more positive things in the future. This process starts by letting go of the things that no longer serve you.

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The power and sense of identity that we get from holding onto things is born out of perhaps feeling like you’re right and someone or something else is wrong, additionally, maybe playing the victim role feels nice because you get others’ attention, love, and support, and maybe you’re even enjoying the pity party that’s happening inside your own head, and finally, staying in an uncomfortable feeling is uncomfortable, but it’s familiar and safe, allowing you to avoid venturing into unknown territory. While all those are nice temporarily, they hold you back from reaching your ideal goal: a happier, simpler life.

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The process of letting things go starts by getting rid of your frustrations with yourself and your life. Talking and/or crying something out can be very cathartic and healing. Processing why you’re holding onto something and unable to move past it can help you gain the insight you need to then shelve it and not allow it to identify you anymore. Once you’ve figured out why you stayed in an abusive relationship you can begin the healing process and no longer be “the person who was in an abusive relationship.”

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Channeling your irritation and/or pain into a positive productive action is also helpful in getting rid of a frustration. Whether you decide to volunteer and help others, or you just take care of something personal for yourself that you’ve been putting off for awhile, it’s a good way to not let a frustrating situation hold you back, rather allowing it to drive you forward. By doing this you’re focusing your frustration on something that you can control rather than allowing it to control you.

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Express your frustration via whatever creative outlet you have. Whether you journal, paint, write music, video blog, etc., this is a visual manifestation of your feelings, a physical reminder that you’ve officially off-loaded the frustration and it no longer needs to live rent free in your head.

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Letting go of anger with yourself and others is another step in simplifying your life. Feel it fully, taking the time to understand where the anger is coming from. Rant about it in a safe place (to a friend, mentor, therapist, or via journaling or the like). Take responsibility for your part of the situation, being honest about what part your actions played. If possible, have a non confrontational conversation with the offender about your feelings. Remember that you cannot control how the other party reacts, but you do have control over how you express yourself in a mature composed way. Try to understand the other person’s perspective; we all make mistakes and appreciate others’ understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Recognize that holding onto anger hurts you more than it hurts the person you are upset at. Make a conscious choice to let things go because you are seeking happiness.

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Practice stress management to cope with, reduce, and not allow everyday stress to build up. Use deep breathing techniques to clear your head and elicit a real physiological relaxation response within your body. The endorphins released by physical exercise is another great way to make you feel good and relieve stress. Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive self-talk. Recognize that worrying is an exercise in futility; it doesn’t change the outcome, but it sure takes up a lot of headspace. If you’re having a hard time with this one, speak to someone who can help you figure out how to do this more effectively. Make lists, organize, and prioritize your tasks by breaking them down into smaller manageable pieces. Having an operable plan often makes you feel better.

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Once you are able to let go of anger, anxiety, and stress, you open yourself up to receiving more positive things in the future. You can create and maintain a self identity that emanates from a more positive internal place that is then more impervious to external factors.

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This post was written by Rivka Rochkind, LCPC

2024-02-28T18:29:43-05:00September 26th, 2016|Anger, Human Behavior, Mindfullness, Psychology, Relationships, Self-care, Stress|
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You Control How You Feel

It seems automatic, something happens and we feel a specific way as a result. Someone says or does something, things don’t turn out how we would like, and we get angry, feel sad, disgusted, etc. We often think, “She made me mad,” or “He really upset me.” In actuality, there is no switch that someone can trip to activate an emotion.

When a scenario occurs, it can trigger an automatic thought, but that’s a thought, not an emotion! The two often get mixed up, because the thought quickly leads to an emotion. Emotions then lead to other thoughts and even behaviors.

To exercise better control of your emotions, it helps to slow down this process. Recognize the thought for what it is, and take responsibility for it. What happened may influence what you believe, but it does not control how you feel. What is the thought that is effecting how you’re feeling? Is the thought accurate? Can it be challenged or changed?

Contemporary psychology theories talk a lot about controlling how you feel by recognizing the cyclical influence your thoughts have on your emotions and behaviors and vice versa. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) discuss identifying, challenging, and changing thoughts.

When we challenge our thoughts, this helps us to not be victimized by our own thinking. REBT recognizes that there are no absolutes. Just because something happened, this does not mean that you will automatically feel a certain way. The ABCs of REBT are as follows. An (A) activating event will trigger a (B) belief. The (C) consequences of this belief is what makes you feel whatever emotion it is that is making you uncomfortable. When you (D) dispute this belief, you arrive at (E) effective new thinking that helps you to avoid this automatic cycle of emotion.

Developing healthy alternative responses to events will help you stay away from negative and unhelpful emotions. For example, when you respond to something with rage, what do you need to do to dispute the irrational belief to cool you down to annoyance or irritation? Can guilt be turned to regret? Depression to disappointment?

Make sure your beliefs are anchored in reality. Ask yourself questions like, “Am I jumping to conclusions?” “Is there proof this is true?” Think about alternative ways to consider the situation. “If I were to be more positive about it, what might I say?” “Is there an alternative explanation?” “What might a good friend of mine say about this?” Put things into perspective. “Will I remember this next week? In a year? Five years?” “How much is this really worth it?” Use goal-directed thinking. “What is my goal? Will this way of thinking help me achieve my goal?” “Is there something I can learn from this situation to apply next time?”

If you stop and think about what you’re saying to yourself, take responsibility for your responses, before they mushroom into unwanted feelings or behaviors, you will have much more control over your moods and actions. It takes only a moment to slow down your thinking, but it can save you from hours of negative rumination.

This post was written by Rivka Rochkind, LCPC

2024-02-28T18:29:54-05:00March 24th, 2016|Anger, Benefits of Therapy, Human Behavior, Psychology, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Self-care, Stress|
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What Do Your Feelings Tell You?

We seek happiness, often numbing or ignoring painful feelings. We power through distress, thinking that if we ignore it, it will go away. Sometimes the pain does disappear if we tune it out, but more often than not, it seeps into other parts of our lives and makes us miserable. So many of us run from emotions, not understanding what they mean, thinking we would have it easier if we could avoid them.

In truth, emotions are messages, a source of inner guidance. All feelings exists for a reason; they are always informational. If your hand gets too close to an open flame, you’ll feel a burning sensation, which alerts you to the fact that you’re in danger, and take your hand away from the fire! The messages that your emotions send you are not unlike those that your physical sensations provide.

The first step to figuring out what your feelings are telling you is to decipher precisely what emotion you are feeling. Pay attention to your thoughts and bodily sensations. What are you thinking? Oftentimes, thoughts run through people’s minds so fast, that unless we stop and try to listen to ourselves, it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what’s going on. It can be helpful to jot down some thoughts for yourself. Notice, too, what’s happening in your body. Are your muscles tensing up? Is your skin getting hot? Do you have butterflies in your stomach?

Once you name the emotion, make sure that it really fits with your situation. For example, you may think you’re angry, but perhaps anger is masking another deeper feeling. Often, as author Liza Palmer said, “Anger is Sad’s bodyguard.” Anger generally means that I or my values have been attacked. Sadness means something was lost. Anxiety, there is something I am afraid of. Happiness means I gained something. Multiple emotions can surface at once, and it’s helpful to realize that you can be feeling two, even dichotomous, feelings at one time.

We all have an emotion that is our “go-to,” a feeling that we experience most often, a filter perhaps for other emotions we experience. For many people it is anger, because anger is relatively safe. It’s external; it allows us to blame others for how we feel. For others it is anxiety, an unease or apprehension about everything. When you learn to listen for your messages, your emotional range will expand.

There are emotions that we feel as a result of things that happen to us, like trauma, loss, injustice, etc., and there are those that we create by how we judge and and treat ourselves. Thus, it is helpful to ask yourself the following: are you ignoring your needs? Is someone being unloving to you? Is something dangerous or wrong? Do you need to make major changes in your life? You may not always know the answers to these questions, but in your journey of discovery you will find contentment. When you address the emotion and thereby comprehend the meaning behind your emotional discomfort, the feeling resolves.

This post was written by Rivka Rochkind, LCPC

2024-02-28T18:32:19-05:00March 10th, 2016|Anger, Psychology, Stress|
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Tis The Season to Be….Unhappy?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year….but is it? Although holidays are a time of joy, cheer and laughter for some, for others, the opposite holds true. Research indicates that 1 in 10 Americans will experience depression at one point in their life, and this number increases during the holiday season, which starts at Thanksgiving and goes through the New Year (Https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/statistics-infographic)

Research suggests that there are numerous causes that contribute to holiday blues. Below is a list of some of these causes: (Https://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/welcome/features/20081217_holiday_blues/index.html)

Time Change: When we set our clocks back in the fall, we lose daylight, so it becomes darker outside for a longer period of time. As a result, individuals report decreased energy, increased sadness, decrease in motivation to engage in interesting or pleasurable activities and changes in sleep patterns.

Increased Alcohol Use and Overeating: The holidays lend itself to a time of celebration, and often times that means an increase in alcohol consumption and overeating. Individuals who drink too much around the holidays may experience symptoms of depression due to alcohol’s depressant nature. Additionally, with all the celebrations, increased food consumption can lead to poor self-body image and self-esteem.

Decreased Sleep: With all the celebrations around the holidays, it is not uncommon for people to sleep less. Decreased sleep contributes to an individual feeling tired and lacking energy, which may lead to an increase in experiencing depressive symptoms.

Packed Scheduling/Lack of Planning: The holidays are a time for getting together and catching up with family and friends. Often times, this can create a packed schedule, and a feeling like there are not enough hours in the day. Additionally, lack of scheduling and planning can lead to last minute errands. Trying to get things done at the last moment can lead to increased stress and contribute to the holiday blues.

Lack of Exercise: With the change in weather (cold, dark, rainy) and the increased plans around the holidays, people tend to exercise less during the holidays. Exercise is beneficial in reducing and preventing the symptoms of depression. Thus, decreased exercise can worsen symptoms of depression.

Time of Reflection: The holidays are a time to reflect on successes, accomplishments and relationships with family and friends. Unfortunately, this may also mean that people reflect on what they feel they have not accomplished, failures and strained relationships or loss of a loved one. For those that feel a lack of connectedness with others, this can create a feeling of social isolation. Such feelings can increase feelings of sadness as well as decrease self-esteem.

So, how can we help rid ourselves of the holiday blues?

Practice self-care: In the midst of the holiday chaos, remember to pay attention to your own needs and self-care. Listen to your body when it is talking to you!

Spend time in the sunlight (this may mean you have to get up a bit earlier)

Limit your alcohol consumption

Develop healthy sleeping patterns

Plan Ahead. Schedule out who you want to see and when so that you are organized in your plans and not feeling too packed. Remember, you don’t have to see everyone-think about who is important to you and prioritize those people first. Additionally, planning ahead will allow for you to get holiday shopping done in a timely fashion so you are not feeling rushed right before the holiday festivities.

Focus on what you have and what is going right in your life, as opposed to what you don’t have or what you don’t think is going right in your life.

2024-02-28T18:30:03-05:00December 1st, 2015|Benefits of Therapy, Exercise, Human Behavior, Psychology, Relationships, Self-care, Sleep, Stress|
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The Human-Animal Connection; it does a body (and brain) good!!

Studies have been done for years regarding the physical and mental health effects petting a dog has on humans. However, the realm of pet-assisted therapy is still in its infancy. As researchers learn how and why our bodies respond the way they do when we interact with dogs, the evidence will get more difficult to refute, and dogs may start to appear in more doctors and therapists’ offices.

 

  • In 1995, Erika Friedman at the University of Maryland Hospital conducted a study involving 392 people, which found that heart attack patients with dogs were eight times more likely to be alive a year later than people without dogs.
  • In 1999, the State University of New York at Buffalo conducted a study involving 24 stock brokers taking medication for high blood pressure. The researchers found that adding a dog or cat to the stock brokers’ lives helped stabilize and reduce their stress levels.
  • In 1999, Swedish researchers reported that children exposed to pets during the first year of life had fewer allergies and less asthma.
  • Recently, separate studies reported that walking a dog contributed to a person’s weight loss and that dog walking can be a catalyst for social interaction with other people, a benefit that can help improve our sense of well-being — or even help us meet a future spouse.

 

More recently, research conducted at the University of Missouri-Columbia suggests the hormonal changes that occur when humans and dogs interact could help people cope with depression and certain stress-related disorders. Preliminary results from a study show that a few minutes of stroking our pet dog prompts a release of a number of “feel good” hormones in humans, including serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin.

 

In addition, petting our dog results in decreased levels of the primary stress hormone cortisol, the adrenal chemical responsible for regulating appetite and cravings for carbohydrates. The study does state that getting a dog may not completely replace the need for anti-depressants altogether; however the combination of the two may be the most powerful.

 

And we can’t give all the credit to our four-legged friends…..

 

Just within the past week the results from the first study of its kind, reports that exposure to fish in an aquarium also has a influential effect on mood. Experts from the National Marine Aquarium, Plymouth University and the University of Exeter assessed people’s physical and mental responses to tanks containing varying levels of fish. The team found that viewing aquarium displays led to noticeable reductions in blood pressure and heart rate, and that higher numbers of fish helped to hold people’s attention for longer and improve their moods.

 

Deborah Cracknell, PhD Student and Lead Researcher at the National Marine Aquarium, conducted the study and believes it provides an important first step in our understanding: “Fish tanks and displays are often associated with attempts at calming patients in doctors’ surgeries and dental waiting rooms. This study has, for the first time, provided robust evidence that ‘doses’ of exposure to underwater settings could actually have a positive impact on people’s wellbeing.”

 

If you are fortunate enough to have a dog or a home aquarium, you may already intuitively know these things that researchers are working diligently to empirically prove. However, if you do not have a furry or finned friend, perhaps this may give you incentive to consider an addition to your family.

2024-02-28T18:30:07-05:00August 3rd, 2015|Anger, Children Therapy, Human Behavior, Psychology, Relationships, Stress|
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Is How You Vote Linked To How Happy You Are?

A new study published in March’s issue of Science  (Https://www.sciencemag.org/content/347/6227/1243.short) suggests that our political views and happiness are linked. Interestingly, the researchers found that people who lean conservative tend to report greater levels of life satisfaction/happiness when asked directly, while those who lean liberal behave in ways that suggest that they are happier (for instance, have more positive posts on social media and display more genuine smiles in photographs).

Why might this be – differences in how people wish to present themselves to others, differences in definitions of happiness, differences in political ideology or…? The research is too new to answer that question conclusively, but the results point to the difficulty of defining happiness for different individuals and the importance of using multiple sources of data to draw conclusions. So who is really happier, your or your differently politically inclined father-in-law? Unfortunately, no one can claim full bragging rights yet, but perhaps the article will bring up some interesting dinner conversation!

2024-02-28T18:30:11-05:00May 28th, 2015|Anger, Human Behavior, Psychology, Uncategorized|
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Grumpy Old Men and Women May Live Longer

Who would have linked being grumpy and longevity together. According to a research from the University of Erlangen-Nuremburg in Germany, grumpy old men and women may live longer. Scientists examined data on expected and current future life satisfaction that was collected over a 10 year period from nearly 40,000 people. They discovered that people who have low expectations for their future happiness experience less disability and die later than those who tended to overestimate their future happiness. The implications are that people who are more pessimistic about their future, may take more safety and health precautions. So perhaps the factor is being pessimistic, or better yet, more realistic than grumpy.

2024-02-28T18:30:45-05:00May 3rd, 2014|Human Behavior, Psychology|
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