Letting Go
What if we create and maintain problems in our life because it provides us with a sense of identity and comfort? For example, the way we hold onto the pain of a break up because that’s the only thing we have left of the relationship, or staying angry at someone for something he did because that’s the only means of having a semblance of control in the situation, or worrying about an unknown in the future as an attempt to have some say over how it plays out. These fixations give us an illusion of power and control and perhaps even contributes to our sense of self. Life is far from simple, and we do a very good job of making it more complicated by creating even more problems for ourselves. If we could learn to simplify our life by simplifying our thinking and thus our behavior, we would be a lot happier in the long run.
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If we work on creating an identity for ourselves that is irrelevant to external factors and issues, we would find ourselves living less in the past or worrying about the future. Focusing on how you can be the best person you can be today, this week, will give you a new and improved sense of empowerment. By letting go of expectations of shoulds, woulds, and coulds, and focusing on the right here and right now, we can live each day more fully and be open to more positive things in the future. This process starts by letting go of the things that no longer serve you.
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The power and sense of identity that we get from holding onto things is born out of perhaps feeling like you’re right and someone or something else is wrong, additionally, maybe playing the victim role feels nice because you get others’ attention, love, and support, and maybe you’re even enjoying the pity party that’s happening inside your own head, and finally, staying in an uncomfortable feeling is uncomfortable, but it’s familiar and safe, allowing you to avoid venturing into unknown territory. While all those are nice temporarily, they hold you back from reaching your ideal goal: a happier, simpler life.
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The process of letting things go starts by getting rid of your frustrations with yourself and your life. Talking and/or crying something out can be very cathartic and healing. Processing why you’re holding onto something and unable to move past it can help you gain the insight you need to then shelve it and not allow it to identify you anymore. Once you’ve figured out why you stayed in an abusive relationship you can begin the healing process and no longer be “the person who was in an abusive relationship.”
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Channeling your irritation and/or pain into a positive productive action is also helpful in getting rid of a frustration. Whether you decide to volunteer and help others, or you just take care of something personal for yourself that you’ve been putting off for awhile, it’s a good way to not let a frustrating situation hold you back, rather allowing it to drive you forward. By doing this you’re focusing your frustration on something that you can control rather than allowing it to control you.
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Express your frustration via whatever creative outlet you have. Whether you journal, paint, write music, video blog, etc., this is a visual manifestation of your feelings, a physical reminder that you’ve officially off-loaded the frustration and it no longer needs to live rent free in your head.
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Letting go of anger with yourself and others is another step in simplifying your life. Feel it fully, taking the time to understand where the anger is coming from. Rant about it in a safe place (to a friend, mentor, therapist, or via journaling or the like). Take responsibility for your part of the situation, being honest about what part your actions played. If possible, have a non confrontational conversation with the offender about your feelings. Remember that you cannot control how the other party reacts, but you do have control over how you express yourself in a mature composed way. Try to understand the other person’s perspective; we all make mistakes and appreciate others’ understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Recognize that holding onto anger hurts you more than it hurts the person you are upset at. Make a conscious choice to let things go because you are seeking happiness.
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Practice stress management to cope with, reduce, and not allow everyday stress to build up. Use deep breathing techniques to clear your head and elicit a real physiological relaxation response within your body. The endorphins released by physical exercise is another great way to make you feel good and relieve stress. Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive self-talk. Recognize that worrying is an exercise in futility; it doesn’t change the outcome, but it sure takes up a lot of headspace. If you’re having a hard time with this one, speak to someone who can help you figure out how to do this more effectively. Make lists, organize, and prioritize your tasks by breaking them down into smaller manageable pieces. Having an operable plan often makes you feel better.
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Once you are able to let go of anger, anxiety, and stress, you open yourself up to receiving more positive things in the future. You can create and maintain a self identity that emanates from a more positive internal place that is then more impervious to external factors.
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This post was written by Rivka Rochkind, LCPC
Hardwired For Connection
We live in a culture that is obsessed with love. You need only to turn on the radio, and you will hear love song following love song. Romance movies are likely the highest grossing films, and in almost every novel you pick off the shelf, the protagonist has a love interest. Why is this?
Humans are hardwired for connection. Neuroscience suggests that we are neurologically wired to connect with others; mirror neurons in our brains are stimulated when we’re interacting with other people. Literally, when you are talking to someone, pathways in your brain light up to mirror the emotions and behaviors that this other person is conveying. We are hardwired to interact and connect with others.
Abraham Maslow, an American psychologist who is best known for his “hierarchy of needs” theory, which outlines innate human necessities of psychological health culminating in self-actualization or fulfillment, names love and belonging directly following physiological needs such as oxygen, food, water, sleep, etc, and physical safety needs like shelter, physical health, etc. Love and belonging is a basic necessity that must be met before a person can begin to achieve other higher needs.
Neuroscientist Dr. Matthew Lieberman, director of UCLA’s Social Cognitive Neuroscience lab, has dedicated much of his life to understanding how the human brain relates in social contexts. In his magnum opus Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, he argues that people’s need to connect with others is even more basic than food and shelter and is the primary motivation of one’s behavior. Other neurological findings corroborated by social science suggests that connection, a sense of community and mutuality, is the greatest predictor of happiness.
In one study done at UCLA, it was found that disconnection is largely related to physical pain. The part of the brain, the anterior cingulate, that is linked with physical distress also is stimulated in a situation of social rejection and/or loneliness. Dr. Dean Ornish, in his book Love and Survival, suggests that if we could harness the power of healthy love and connection, it would be a potent drug to cure physical pain. Trauma, isolation, and rejection work against both our physical and emotional health.
Dr. Brene Brown is well-known for her research on human connection: our capacity to love, empathize, and belong. She writes and speaks extensively about the courage to be vulnerable, letting go of who you think you’re supposed to be, making the journey to ‘I am enough,’ and leaning into discomfort and rising strong. She talks about how as an infant connection is survival, but as one matures, connection becomes about thriving emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually. She explains empathy as connection; it is feelingwith people, connecting with another via connecting with something in yourself that knows that feeling the other is experiencing. She proposes that rarely can any specific response make a hardship better, but what makes it bearable is connecting with others. The person in distress then knows that someone else can relate, and he is not alone.
There is a popular idiom, “A trouble shared, is a trouble halved.” A study done at University of Southern California Marshall School of Business, in which the researchers measured levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, before and after the participants vented about their anxiety with a fellow student, found that sharing challenges with other people significantly reduces one’s own distress.
We’re wired to connect; we want to love, be loved, belong. Sometimes we lose sight of this and get caught up in the trivialities of a relationship. Connection is extremely powerful, tremendously important to our health and happiness. Do your relationships need strengthening?
Follow these tips to begin creating more meaningful relationships:
- Maintain a good relationship with yourself. Know your limits, and create healthy boundaries. Practice good self-care. Don’t be afraid to say “no” or to express your own needs.
- Identify for yourself who is worthwhile to build genuine relationships with. Stay away from negative, needy, and/or controlling people. (If you must interact with such people, identify how they drain you, so you can stay one step ahead. You may need to ‘take a break’ when dealing with them or limit your time together.)
- Be dependable; mean what you say. Follow up your promises with action. People appreciate follow-through and knowing that they can rely on you.
- Give unconditionally. Focus on giving rather than receiving. It’s nice if your efforts are reciprocated, but don’t concentrate on the tit for tat.
- Share your life with others. When you open up to people about what you’re experiencing, they will feel more comfortable letting you in on what’s going on for them.
- Accept people for who they are. Focus on people’s positive traits, and try to see the good in every individual.
- “Lean in” during a time of struggle. Confide and seek comfort from others when you’re facing a hardship. Have the courage to be vulnerable and open up.
- Listen, support, empathize, and encourage. Be there for others without imposing your own perspectives and advice if they are not solicited. When you ask someone a question, listen to their answer.
- Let petty things go; you don’t always have to be right. Make the relationship what is important.
- Try to make people feel noticed, important, and appreciated. Give smiles and greetings freely. Compliment sincerely. Check in regularly for no reason.
- Let go of the past; forgive people and move forward. (If you can’t, you owe it to yourself to explore why you’re holding onto grievances.)
- Practice patience. Don’t hold everyone to your standards. Remember that every person has a different personality, perspective, and approach to everything.
- Be honest about your feelings. Don’t hold onto things and let them drive a wedge between you and someone you care about. Address issues candidly and respectfully.
- Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Don’t expect people to know what you want or need. This might even mean asking people to wish you happy birthday if you know you’ll be upset if they don’t.
- Don’t stand on ceremony. Call, ask, invite, initiate.
- Be aware of how you’re being received. Don’t push your opinion or needs on others. Apologize if something you do ends up hurting someone even if it’s not your fault. Practice saying “I was wrong” and “I’m sorry.”
- If you need to criticize or correct, do so tactfully, sandwich with compliments, and take others’ feelings into account.
This post was written by Rivka Rochkind, LCPC
You Control How You Feel
It seems automatic, something happens and we feel a specific way as a result. Someone says or does something, things don’t turn out how we would like, and we get angry, feel sad, disgusted, etc. We often think, “She made me mad,” or “He really upset me.” In actuality, there is no switch that someone can trip to activate an emotion.
When a scenario occurs, it can trigger an automatic thought, but that’s a thought, not an emotion! The two often get mixed up, because the thought quickly leads to an emotion. Emotions then lead to other thoughts and even behaviors.
To exercise better control of your emotions, it helps to slow down this process. Recognize the thought for what it is, and take responsibility for it. What happened may influence what you believe, but it does not control how you feel. What is the thought that is effecting how you’re feeling? Is the thought accurate? Can it be challenged or changed?
Contemporary psychology theories talk a lot about controlling how you feel by recognizing the cyclical influence your thoughts have on your emotions and behaviors and vice versa. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) discuss identifying, challenging, and changing thoughts.
When we challenge our thoughts, this helps us to not be victimized by our own thinking. REBT recognizes that there are no absolutes. Just because something happened, this does not mean that you will automatically feel a certain way. The ABCs of REBT are as follows. An (A) activating event will trigger a (B) belief. The (C) consequences of this belief is what makes you feel whatever emotion it is that is making you uncomfortable. When you (D) dispute this belief, you arrive at (E) effective new thinking that helps you to avoid this automatic cycle of emotion.
Developing healthy alternative responses to events will help you stay away from negative and unhelpful emotions. For example, when you respond to something with rage, what do you need to do to dispute the irrational belief to cool you down to annoyance or irritation? Can guilt be turned to regret? Depression to disappointment?
Make sure your beliefs are anchored in reality. Ask yourself questions like, “Am I jumping to conclusions?” “Is there proof this is true?” Think about alternative ways to consider the situation. “If I were to be more positive about it, what might I say?” “Is there an alternative explanation?” “What might a good friend of mine say about this?” Put things into perspective. “Will I remember this next week? In a year? Five years?” “How much is this really worth it?” Use goal-directed thinking. “What is my goal? Will this way of thinking help me achieve my goal?” “Is there something I can learn from this situation to apply next time?”
If you stop and think about what you’re saying to yourself, take responsibility for your responses, before they mushroom into unwanted feelings or behaviors, you will have much more control over your moods and actions. It takes only a moment to slow down your thinking, but it can save you from hours of negative rumination.
This post was written by Rivka Rochkind, LCPC
Tis The Season to Be….Unhappy?
It’s the most wonderful time of the year….but is it? Although holidays are a time of joy, cheer and laughter for some, for others, the opposite holds true. Research indicates that 1 in 10 Americans will experience depression at one point in their life, and this number increases during the holiday season, which starts at Thanksgiving and goes through the New Year (Https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/statistics-infographic)
Research suggests that there are numerous causes that contribute to holiday blues. Below is a list of some of these causes: (Https://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/welcome/features/20081217_holiday_blues/index.html)
Time Change: When we set our clocks back in the fall, we lose daylight, so it becomes darker outside for a longer period of time. As a result, individuals report decreased energy, increased sadness, decrease in motivation to engage in interesting or pleasurable activities and changes in sleep patterns.
Increased Alcohol Use and Overeating: The holidays lend itself to a time of celebration, and often times that means an increase in alcohol consumption and overeating. Individuals who drink too much around the holidays may experience symptoms of depression due to alcohol’s depressant nature. Additionally, with all the celebrations, increased food consumption can lead to poor self-body image and self-esteem.
Decreased Sleep: With all the celebrations around the holidays, it is not uncommon for people to sleep less. Decreased sleep contributes to an individual feeling tired and lacking energy, which may lead to an increase in experiencing depressive symptoms.
Packed Scheduling/Lack of Planning: The holidays are a time for getting together and catching up with family and friends. Often times, this can create a packed schedule, and a feeling like there are not enough hours in the day. Additionally, lack of scheduling and planning can lead to last minute errands. Trying to get things done at the last moment can lead to increased stress and contribute to the holiday blues.
Lack of Exercise: With the change in weather (cold, dark, rainy) and the increased plans around the holidays, people tend to exercise less during the holidays. Exercise is beneficial in reducing and preventing the symptoms of depression. Thus, decreased exercise can worsen symptoms of depression.
Time of Reflection: The holidays are a time to reflect on successes, accomplishments and relationships with family and friends. Unfortunately, this may also mean that people reflect on what they feel they have not accomplished, failures and strained relationships or loss of a loved one. For those that feel a lack of connectedness with others, this can create a feeling of social isolation. Such feelings can increase feelings of sadness as well as decrease self-esteem.
So, how can we help rid ourselves of the holiday blues?
Practice self-care: In the midst of the holiday chaos, remember to pay attention to your own needs and self-care. Listen to your body when it is talking to you!
Spend time in the sunlight (this may mean you have to get up a bit earlier)
Limit your alcohol consumption
Develop healthy sleeping patterns
Plan Ahead. Schedule out who you want to see and when so that you are organized in your plans and not feeling too packed. Remember, you don’t have to see everyone-think about who is important to you and prioritize those people first. Additionally, planning ahead will allow for you to get holiday shopping done in a timely fashion so you are not feeling rushed right before the holiday festivities.
Focus on what you have and what is going right in your life, as opposed to what you don’t have or what you don’t think is going right in your life.
The Human-Animal Connection; it does a body (and brain) good!!
Studies have been done for years regarding the physical and mental health effects petting a dog has on humans. However, the realm of pet-assisted therapy is still in its infancy. As researchers learn how and why our bodies respond the way they do when we interact with dogs, the evidence will get more difficult to refute, and dogs may start to appear in more doctors and therapists’ offices.
- In 1995, Erika Friedman at the University of Maryland Hospital conducted a study involving 392 people, which found that heart attack patients with dogs were eight times more likely to be alive a year later than people without dogs.
- In 1999, the State University of New York at Buffalo conducted a study involving 24 stock brokers taking medication for high blood pressure. The researchers found that adding a dog or cat to the stock brokers’ lives helped stabilize and reduce their stress levels.
- In 1999, Swedish researchers reported that children exposed to pets during the first year of life had fewer allergies and less asthma.
- Recently, separate studies reported that walking a dog contributed to a person’s weight loss and that dog walking can be a catalyst for social interaction with other people, a benefit that can help improve our sense of well-being — or even help us meet a future spouse.
More recently, research conducted at the University of Missouri-Columbia suggests the hormonal changes that occur when humans and dogs interact could help people cope with depression and certain stress-related disorders. Preliminary results from a study show that a few minutes of stroking our pet dog prompts a release of a number of “feel good” hormones in humans, including serotonin, prolactin and oxytocin.
In addition, petting our dog results in decreased levels of the primary stress hormone cortisol, the adrenal chemical responsible for regulating appetite and cravings for carbohydrates. The study does state that getting a dog may not completely replace the need for anti-depressants altogether; however the combination of the two may be the most powerful.
And we can’t give all the credit to our four-legged friends…..
Just within the past week the results from the first study of its kind, reports that exposure to fish in an aquarium also has a influential effect on mood. Experts from the National Marine Aquarium, Plymouth University and the University of Exeter assessed people’s physical and mental responses to tanks containing varying levels of fish. The team found that viewing aquarium displays led to noticeable reductions in blood pressure and heart rate, and that higher numbers of fish helped to hold people’s attention for longer and improve their moods.
Deborah Cracknell, PhD Student and Lead Researcher at the National Marine Aquarium, conducted the study and believes it provides an important first step in our understanding: “Fish tanks and displays are often associated with attempts at calming patients in doctors’ surgeries and dental waiting rooms. This study has, for the first time, provided robust evidence that ‘doses’ of exposure to underwater settings could actually have a positive impact on people’s wellbeing.”
If you are fortunate enough to have a dog or a home aquarium, you may already intuitively know these things that researchers are working diligently to empirically prove. However, if you do not have a furry or finned friend, perhaps this may give you incentive to consider an addition to your family.
Is How You Vote Linked To How Happy You Are?
A new study published in March’s issue of Science (Https://www.sciencemag.org/content/347/6227/1243.short) suggests that our political views and happiness are linked. Interestingly, the researchers found that people who lean conservative tend to report greater levels of life satisfaction/happiness when asked directly, while those who lean liberal behave in ways that suggest that they are happier (for instance, have more positive posts on social media and display more genuine smiles in photographs).
Why might this be – differences in how people wish to present themselves to others, differences in definitions of happiness, differences in political ideology or…? The research is too new to answer that question conclusively, but the results point to the difficulty of defining happiness for different individuals and the importance of using multiple sources of data to draw conclusions. So who is really happier, your or your differently politically inclined father-in-law? Unfortunately, no one can claim full bragging rights yet, but perhaps the article will bring up some interesting dinner conversation!
It Starts At Home
In March, we celebrate Women’s History Month and International Women’s Day; a time dedicated to recognize and honor the contributions that women have made throughout the history of our country. It is also a time to be mindful of the strong female influences of today and a time to raise our collective consciousness about what we all can do to support women and girls in our society. President Obama was quoted in his State of the Union address last year, “A woman deserves equal pay for equal work.” It was one of the most loudly applauded lines of his speech. He went on to state, “Today, women make up about half our workforce, but they still make 77 cents for every dollar a man earns.” This year, President Obama included the need for paid maternity leave and high quality, affordable child care in addition to reiterating the need for equal pay for equal work.
A recent study by the Association of Psychological Sciences brings to light one small thing that can happen in our households that may assist us in knowing what to do on a family level to bring President Obama’s words to fruition, and make all the trailblazing women of history proud. The study suggests a correlation between households that not only “talk the talk about gender equality, but actually walk the walk.” Something as simple as daughters observing their father do the dishes and share other household chores demonstrates gender equality in the household. The article’s author is quoted saying, “This study is important because it suggests that achieving gender equality at home may be one way to inspire young women to set their sights on careers from which they have traditionally been excluded.” If we truly want to raise strong, independent daughters who aspire to be successful leaders in all different fields, it begins at home. This study shows us that it does not matter how much money we make, where we live, what our culture or beliefs are – but rather, we are able to demonstrate gender equality as a healthy household example from which to spring our daughters forward.
It has long been known that having fathers in our daughter’s lives has significant physical and mental health benefits, and now this study is giving us concrete actions to take above and beyond just “being” in their lives. The author of the article says it succinctly, “Despite our best efforts to create workplace equality, women remain severely under-represented in leadership and management positions. How fathers treat their domestic duties appears to play a unique gatekeeper role.” It is dependent on all of us to help our women and girls succeed. So, during this month of March let us all be more mindful of demonstrating gender equality wherever possible to improve the quality of life for the next generation of strong women leaders.
Grumpy Old Men and Women May Live Longer
Who would have linked being grumpy and longevity together. According to a research from the University of Erlangen-Nuremburg in Germany, grumpy old men and women may live longer. Scientists examined data on expected and current future life satisfaction that was collected over a 10 year period from nearly 40,000 people. They discovered that people who have low expectations for their future happiness experience less disability and die later than those who tended to overestimate their future happiness. The implications are that people who are more pessimistic about their future, may take more safety and health precautions. So perhaps the factor is being pessimistic, or better yet, more realistic than grumpy.